IF YOU EVER WONDERED what Vietnamese American children think of their parents, the following list forwarded to other teens on the Internet may give you some insight: You know you’re Vietnamese when… - Your parents think you’re 12 when you’re really 18. - Your parents think you’re the worst kid. - When you get detention or demerits from school, your parents think that you are a rebel. - When you are feeling ill, your parents think you’re on drugs. - Your parents say you can’t date until you’re 60. These fairly harsh assessments of parents are probably not all accurate. But much can be learned through understanding why Vietnaese teenagers feel this way about their parents. While Viet youth are likely to criticize their parents for appearing to be “out of touch” with American culture and having strict rules and unreasonable standards, parents might argue that teenagers seem to be too “Americanized” and are losing their culture. How do teenagers and their parents come to terms with these differing viewpoints? To answer this question, it is important to look at the different reasons why parents and kids might disagree more during adolescence. “Why can’t my parents understand me?!” “Why can’t my children listen to me?!” It is not uncommon for parents and children to argue more with each other during the teen years. Seemingly overnight, issues that have not been problematic become the topic of a verbal war. Struggles over household chores, dress and appearance, curfews, and other simple issues become epic arguments; the aftermath of which leaves both sides wondering if the same language was being spoken. In Vietnamese families, it may indeed be that the same language is not being spoken. Con on chu’a? Vietnamese teens growing up in the US get exposed to different models of what families look like through their friends and through the media. From these images, they come to believe there are a lot of differences between these families and their own. It can be hard for them to see parents hugging and kissing their children at school events and telling them to have fun, while their own parents drop them off with warnings about teenage pregnancy, drugs, and gangs—as though the school dance is a breeding ground for delinquency! Teenagers may view TV images of children talking to parents about problems, daily activities, romantic relationships, hopes, and dreams while the conversations of many Vietnamese high school and college students strike a familiar refrain: “Have you eaten yet today? OK, study hard and go to bed early.” Parents may feel shocked to hear their child talk back to them, whereas the child may view it as an attempt to share feelings with their family. The comparisons that teens make between their own families and those of their friends or the popular media may be unfair and untrue, but can still affect the way they act toward their parents. Vietnamese teenagers can suffer from a “grass is greener” syndrome, giving more credit to “American” families than they deserve, causing them to feel resentment toward their parents and what they see as tradition and culture that is too restrictive. Yet many teens still have much respect for culture, tradition, family, and their parents’ authority. Likewise, parents feel torn between the desire to see their child become successful in America while still wanting them to hold onto aspects of their cultural heritage and traditions. Nobody’s fault While there are cultural reasons for tension in families during adolescence, there are also some biological and social sources to changes parents see in their growing child. Between elementary school and high school there are dramatic physical, social, academic, family, and romantic changes. Teens are trying to find their own identity within each of these contexts and by asking: Who am I as a friend? As a son? A brother? A boyfriend? A student? Who do I want to be? Where do I fit in? Where does that person fit in? While they are trying to figure out who they are, teens also must decide which Vietnamese and which American values to include as part of their identities. They also must figure out how to make these seemingly competing values “fit” together. These questions and decisions make adolescents very self-focused, which can often be misinterpreted as moodiness, selfishness, and lack of direction by others. Moreover, adolescents have dueling expectations placed upon them. They are expected to act like adults, yet they are not fully granted all the freedoms enjoyed by adults. During this tumultuous phase in life, they get conflicting messages from parents: You are growing up so it is time for you to stop acting like a child and take more responsibilities—yet, I can still tell you how to dress, when to come home at night, and don’t forget that you still need me to drive you around. No wonder teenagers are confused. In this process of sorting out what they can and cannot do, most adolescents will test the boundaries of what they can get away with, often to the chagrin of parents. Parental reactions to adolescence When any parent is in an unknown situation, the most natural response is to do whatever possible to protect the children. For first generation parents, American culture holds many unknowns and potential dangers. Therefore, the most common response parents have to changes during adolescence is to become overprotective and more restrictive. The more time their child spends on the phone, the more parents try to limit phone use. The more they ask to go to the mall, the less parents allow it, perhaps assigning tasks around the house to keep them busy. Parents who use this technique of protecting their child are less likely to be seen as sources of emotional support, causing adolescents to share less with parents about their activities and feelings—which can lead to extreme secrecy and even lying to parents. So rather than knowing more about what their children are doing, these parents may actually end up in the dark about their child’s activities. Some adolescents will follow their parents’ rules, but may not have good social skills and relationships because they are isolated from friends. Still other teens will lead a full-fledged revolution: rebelling against parental authority, rules, and expectations completely. Girls who do this may be at risk of running away from home, engaging in sexual activity, abusing drugs and alcohol, and experiencing depression. Boys who rebel may seek support from their peers—sometimes in the form of gangs. The group of adolescents “at risk” for these behaviors is small and not due just to parent behaviors; one factor alone does not predict involvement in delinquent activities. But family conflict does usually go hand-in-hand with problem behaviors in teenagers. Finding a balance Teenagers need space to explore their sense of self and to determine where they fit in. Without that space, they miss out on an important and necessary part of development. Yet it can be quite hard to find the delicate balance between the need to give adolescents independence with the need to protect them. Parents who successfully navigate living with a teenager find ways to balance and adjust their own expectations with those of their child. To do so, one must first clearly define their own expectations for themselves and express these to their child. Too often, parenting follows a “wait-then-punish” approach. Instead of waiting for the child to break rules and expectations to let him know what those rules are; both parents and adolescents may find it helpful to continually tell each other of their own needs and expectations before conflict happens. Moreover, both parents and adolescents must keep in mind that communication is a two-way street. Not only should there be verbal (or other) forms of communication, but both parties must listen to one another and hear each other out. It is only through these two-way interactions that parents and teenagers can come to speak and understand the same “language.” The ability to successfully navigate the cultural waters of America while being firmly rooted in one’s culture is a difficult process that can generate much tension for both parents and their teenage children. However, it is important to remember that it is a process—one that both parents and adolescents must work at. With contributions from both parents and teens, being a Vietnamese parent will no longer be the punchline of a joke. |